public

Tips for people on public transport

I have done more than my fair share of commuting.  At the age of twenty two, I have four years of a three hour commute under my belt and this has left me with the commuting mind of an angry, fifty-something year old city worker.  In light of the imminent tube strikes tomorrow (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-25684670), I thought I’d try lighten things up by providing some tips for anyone that steps foot onto any form of public transport in London.

  1. There is another train in two minutes (and I’m not even joking).  I really don’t understand these people that would rather get their arm stuck in the tube door than wait two minutes for the next train.  I mean, if you’re already running late, arriving two minutes later will not be life changing and if you’re not running late, shame on you for holding up the train with your impatience.
  2. Public transport is, in fact, in public.  I feel this is obvious to me and most of the people I know but sometimes I wonder if people realise this because of the way they act.  The other day I legitimately saw a man try to lick the snot out of his nose with his tongue only and don’t even get me started on the nose pickers.  Do what you want in the comfort of your own home but please, all you leave me wondering is what you’ve done with that piece of snot.  Unless you’re an eater and that’s another issue entirely.
  3. The handle pole is for holding, not leaning… so please don’t be surprised if I poke my knuckles into your back while I am gripping for dear life onto the pole you are leaning on during peak hour.
  4. Stand on the right, walk on the left.  Simple.
  5. There are better places to stand than in the middle of everything  While I appreciate the troubles of trying to navigate oneself in a new city, there are better places to group your family and your luggage than directly in front of the escalator.  Or in the middle of the doorway.  Or in the middle of the platform.  Just saying.
  6. If you have a giant wheelie bag, spacial awareness is imperative.  No, you are not carrying a Chanel clutch, you’re taking up a lot more space so let’s anticipate that when cutting in front of people or stopping or turning corners.  Thanks.
  7. No need to be rude.  People tend to forget their manners the instant they step on public transport, not an “excuse me” to be seen or a “thank you” to be heard.  I can get over this.  What I can’t get over is the pushers.  Do not touch me.  I was once helping an old lady with her aforementioned giant wheelie bag and so was breaching tip number 4. and this man literally pushed me down the escalator.  I could’ve died!  Well, apart from the fact we were already at the bottom but you know, hypothetically.  He justified this act of aggression by telling me that  “I was in the way”, okay sir?
  8. Solidarity is key.  The most empowering way of overcoming anger over the thousandth reason (read: rain, sun, wind, snow, fire, ice, death, sickness, driver late, forgot where the platform was etc) the train company has given for the delays is to come together with fellow commuters, united in anger.  Everyone will have something to say and add and it certainly relieves some of the murderous rage.  When there are no people in vicinity, I take a wander over to the relevant twitter page!
  9. Refrain from bringing delicious smelling food onto public transport… because I will eat it from your hands.
  10. If you’re going to read over my shoulder, please don’t send me judging looks.  I study dead people and send ugly pictures of myself on a regular basis, what did you expect to see?
  11. Turn your music down, please.  This makes me sounds like a granny but its actually for your own sake, you probably want people knowing you listen to Hannah Montana less than we all want to hear it.
  12. Following on, do not play your music on loud speaker.  No-one wants to hear it and you look like an idiot.
  13. If someone’s struggling, offer your help.  It takes no more than 30 seconds out of your day and you feel pretty swell after.
  14. DO. NOT. SNIFF. IN. MY. EAR. BLOW. YOUR. NOSE.  I can even give you a tissue.
  15. Standing in front of the tube doors is not conducive with me getting off.  And please don’t stand there staring at me wondering why I’m not getting off.  You. You are why.
  16. Get your ticket out before you reach the barrier, please, for the love of all that is good.  AKA.  don’t make me stand behind you while you faff in your bag looking for your ticket holder which is in a purse in a purse, please.